Does it ever stop?

I didn’t open any windows, did I? The wind was strong, even though I was inside my own house. It was so hard, it felt like my skin bled just by bumping into it. It’s cold—freezing—piercing through my lungs. What more to close if everything is already sealed tight? So instead, I closed my eyes—hoping for some ease—but it only made it worse.

Remind me of your name again, sir? Ask the calendar hanging at the house, old and dusty. As he lives on in the back of my head, never once have I greeted him so that he could be buried peacefully there. June already, and all I wish for you to fade wholly. See the trees in the yard, decayed, just like the days I wasted, watching him run as if chased by ghosts.

And for once, just for once, I want to be you, running a distance. Left around something you once hung from. And I wanted to be you, to feel how it is to say things you never had any intent to. To grow what you would later outgrow. The roots you rooted just to let them rot. And then you run, run far, like it was your fate. Just these days, while standing still beside a train that left long ago, I realized how awful it is to stay still and haunted by one question: Will I see that gaze again in the future? 

So I buried that question along with the rotten roots—for decades—just to answer with a single yes.

Well, yes. And do you want to know how long I paused just to think it was you, that it was real, that you were alive?

In your view, seeing me in where I stand right now, do you consider me as a lucky person or otherwise?  Because every cold morning waking up from a dream where you appeared I burned like a hell. But that cold night, after I closed your car door behind me, I rewound the day a thousand times, pretending it was mine to relive. She despised him a hundred times, and wished she had sent papers she wrote decades ago. Now tell me how do I live with the fact that I finally renewed this memory with a long, aching gap in between?

Every place I’ve been has seen both my best and my worst. Will it ever end? Asks a bird, perched on a brittle twig. While the leaves remain green, it doesn't know—the roots have long begun to rot. I shook my head, unsure. Because years later, I am still searching for him in countries he never set foot in. Even if I climb to the top of a mountain, the hole I carry will still be a hole. None of it could ever fill the hole to make me a whole, again.

And see where you are now. In the middle of the sea. Almost drowned. Weighed down by the memories you left for ages. Or was it just my wish?

And dear, was it casual for you to say you’re a great reminder when for a blink of an eye you forget someone ever existed in a yard full of rotten trees? Or did I never exist?

The question never left my lips, were you running from ghosts, or just afraid of your own shadow you left behind?

And just for a second, you ran—like you always did. So I said, go ahead. Tell the world you’re blooming roses now—and leave something to wither in someone else’s yard. But if one day, if you ever see that rotten yard again, please—just please—uproot the tree to its roots, and face it the way you should have. I’ve closed many doors, yet none gave me the closure I needed. Say anything bitter, if it could somehow please me. I never begged you to stay — so now, I beg you to run. 

 Hingar bingar Oktober

 

Lucu bagaimana dunia bisa berubah sedemikian rupa dalam satu malam. Pernahkah kamu berpikir sesuatu hanya karena ingin memikirkannya? Bagaimana rasanya membayangkannya seolah itu nyata, namun kamu tidak pernah benar-benar mengharapkannya, hanya karena jika itu benar terjadi, mungkin kamu akan kelimpungan menghadapinya. Begitulah kiranya gambaran bulan Oktober saya kemarin. Saya seringkali berpikir, Mungkin saja besok saya akan sakit, karena saya rasa saya akan sakit. Lalu dalam satu malam, Tuhan amini pikiran angkuh itu. Tepat pagi harinya, saya terbangun dengan rasa sakit di perut saya. 

 

Boleh dibilang, berbulan-bulan saya mengapung di tengah lautan antah berantah, lumayan jauh dari Tuhan, tapi tak jarang bersikap seakan tau segalanya, mendahului kehendak Tuhan. Seperti sikap membayangkan akan hari esok ataupun masa depan, misalnya. Saya berlagak mahir menerka isi kepala Tuhan. Mungkin besok saya sakit, pikir saya angkuh. Atau dalam konteks lain, si angkuh itu meyakini, kau akan paham dengan sendirinya, tanpa perlu saya jelaskan lagi.

 

Yang kedua itu. Kebiasaan menerka isi hati manusia dan meyakininya secara terang-terangan, saya kapok benar melakukannya. 

 

Mengapa, tanyamu. 

Coba tanya sendiri pada dirimu.

Yang saya pikirkan dan yang terjadi, kerap berkebalikan.

 

Lalu kini masalah saya tak hanya berupa manusia lain, pun diri saya sendiri. Malam sebelum hari itu, saya menatap kosong ke langit kamar dan terheran-heran, seakan membaca sebuah nama disana. Mengapa dari sekian hari, harus dihari ini Ia muncul hanya untuk menambah kalut? Demi Tuhan, rasa sakit yang terasa tak sebanding dengan kalutnya hati dan kepala saya. Semua seperti melumat saya hidup-hidup. Keberadaan hari esok, seluruh ketiba-tibaan ini, serta nama yang entah mengapa muncul ditengah hingar bingar ini. Pergilah, saya membatin. Gapai mimpi paling tinggimu, lakukan apapun yang kamu mau sebagaimana nuranimu memintamu. Bukankah dunia adalah tempatmu bergembira? Toh, tak ada saya disana, sehingga saya tak perlu lagi menunggu kabarmu? Toh, tak ada saya disana, sehingga saya tak perlu percaya padamu seperti yang kau minta? Toh, tak ada saya disana…

 

Keesokannya, perasaan yang kadung kacau makin menjadi, tapi satu-satunya hal yang mampu saya pegang teguh adalah Tuhan. Mungkin terkadang soal Tuhan jadi nomor sekian. Dan mungkin memang saya tak begitu beriman.Tapi terserah, hari itu saya punya Tuhan, Tuhan yang tidak tidur, maka saya serahkan hidup dan mati saya kepada-Nya. 

 

Ada kalanya dalam hidup, kamu dapat menafsirkan peristiwa buruk dengan sesuatu yang sangat disyukuri. Penyakit dan operasi dadakan ini, contohnya. Di ruangan itu, tepat sebelum tindakan dimulai, sang dokter memimpin doa kelancaran dan kemudahan.  Menyampingkan apa yang ada di dunia ini, beserta perasaan kalut saya, detik itu saya menangis tersedu mendengar nama saya disebut dalam doanya. Tuhan, sebegitunya orang ingin saya lekas sehat, padahal kami tidak pernah ada relasi apa-apa sebelumnya, selain pertemuan kami kemarin di ruang pemeriksaan.

 

Saya ingat selanjutnya giliran saya yang bilang kepada Tuhan:  Ya Allah, hamba serahkan apa yang jadi milik-Mu. Tubuh ini, hidup ini, perasaan ini, seluruh isi dunia yang berkaitan dengan ku, semua ku kembalikan lagi kepada-Mu. Jikalau takdirku memang untuk melewati ini, aku menerimanya, tapi izinkan dan berikan hamba kekuatan, ketabahan, dan kelancaran dalam melewatinya. 

 

Dari sekian lelucon dan omong kosong yang biasa kamu utarakan, sekiranya sekali kamu mengucapkan hal masuk akal. Berdoa yang utuh, katamu waktu itu. Maka saya mengikutinya. Saya ucapkan semua yang saya inginkan, tentang kesembuhan, kedamaian batin, dan kehidupan saya kedepan. Dan agar keraguan hati, hingar bingar, serta perasaan saya yang tak karuan supaya lebur dan terbebas, sehingga tak menjadi soal dalam hidup saya kedepan. Seharusnya, begitu pula denganmu—yang juga punya segudang keraguan dan ketakutan yang tak terkendali, alih-alih menurutinya, lepaslah perlahan. Mimpimu memang terkadang tak masuk akal, namun sejujurnya selalu terdengar menyenangkan. Saya harap dan doakan kebaikan selalu menyertaimu. Dan yang kamu sungguh mau, saya harap Tuhan jadikan itu nyata kedepannya.

 

Hingga berakhirnya bulan Oktober, saya menafsirkannya sebagai bentuk ujian yang mungkin saat ini saya butuhkan. Pun terkadang, lebih dalam memahami kehidupan membuat kepala kliyengan, namun dengan begitu saya menyadari bahwa semua tak melulu berputar di dunia ini, namun juga kepada kehidupan setelahnya. 

 

Dan pesan saya untuknya, untuk Oktober, Terimakasih sudah menyempati datang. Kamu memang datang dengan gembira, menertawai saya yang sedang kesakitan. Tapi entah mengapa, saya bersyukur karenanya.

 

 First Encounter

 

On a bleak night, September 9th, I finally had my first listening experience of the controversial eight minutes of Let It Happen, by Tame Impala. Even though I really liked the song, I never managed to listen to it in its entirety and instead skipped the middle part. The part that I really like from this song is the instrumental break and it's also the part that I refuse to listen to because the repetition is boring as shit. But that night, everything became different after I listened to it until the end. Turns out I had a better experience hearing it in the full version. And that's not what I want to tell you. What I want to tell you is the story behind it—why I managed to finish this song the first time.

 

There are so many things in life that are out of our control, from outside and sometimes within ourselves—yes, sometimes. There are so many things that are resisted from happening in the right order, as they should. There are external forces but there are also internal riots. External forces, are things that you cannot control by yourself, happen according to the laws of nature. And by internal riots, here I am talking about the mind and the heart, which is most likely the one who takes so much control over your actions, maturely or even impulsively. And on that day, those two things seemed to collide.

 

I never thought that my destiny would be to meet these humans, without even having a disagreement, it was clear that we were not a match for each other. Case number one, If you talk about A, I talk about B. That’s completely okay, actually. Not to mention the past that accompanies you, which can have a big impact on other people's futures. Not only that, from the case number two, these people are meant to be in love and not even try to hide their feelings, even in the professional circumtances. That’s just only problem from external roles. From my side, there was also another human being—whose the actions left a big question mark in my head. It always giving me: are you serious or are you serious. On the contrary, I wish I could refuse not to think about it. But I impulsively keep recalling and recalling and recalling, to find out the truth from your actions.

 

And that night, I myself refused not to shed tears, while the song was drowning in my head. All of the events seemed to happen the way it should be, torturing the deepest part of my little heart, so that's how every part collided at the first encounter.

 

“When it happens, when it happens (I won’t be holding on) So let it happen, let it happen…”

As time goes by, we never intended to meet on the same path, you say A and I say B, you think A and I think the opposite, you want A and vice versa, I do the opposite. Have you ever thought that someone could actually cross your mind without crossing boundaries? Oh, dear. All we do is cross the line, peel the onion, find something to relate to ourselves. Have you ever felt related to myself, then? Not really, right?

 

So why did all your gestures seem to have something relating, try to provide things we could really talk about, say things that I might approve?

 

Oh, dear, sometimes we fail in the first encounter, just like in the movies. And for our case, it always will. To you, stay far, stay out of touch. I myself always appreciate the concept of diversity, even though we are destined to be on the same path, with the same brain, and the same goals. It doesn't matter, cause we all have been maintaining relationships that contain disagreements and contradiction, right?  

 

Handling a larger number of heads, already increases the risk of my own internal riots. And among them all, there’s your existence—which so funny, dear, it trouble up my days. I myself refuse the forces of thinking of it—as an external role. Till I found something that might be my closure, and so by that I'm no longer paying so much attention and think about it, and let it happen the way it should be. 

 

If I come up to your mind, and you're having a hard time resisting to recalling it, that's okay, dear. I always do the same thing.

redefining life

Hi!

Been a year... to not mumbling out my crazy head. See how much I've grown? There really isn't anything significant because it's an unclear measurement & an invalid guideline. Nothing really different from last year, still hundreds of music to bore, hundreds of books to not finish, hundreds questions & procrastinations. Hundreds hectic days & errors, yet also hundreds revisions. Do by that I became much better? Not really. Even worse, I think?

Well, aren't we all live inside of hundred of procrastinations? They literally said something like"The cost of procrastination is the life you could've live"  that struck, got me thinking, but never got me to take any action in return. Also I've heard something like Change is scary but so is staying the same, got me smirk a little. Funny where I might not get it right where parts need to change and where parts need to stay the same. 

But I still have something pursued, achieved, something whose change can be seen. Starting something new blindly has never been easy for me, I guess it grew inside of me. Within a year, without knowing the right way, what goals you want to achieve, what kind of treatments need to be done. Blatant stupidity, swallowed shame, getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. Deeper understanding of boundaries. Deeper understanding of emotion can be really contagious, take care yours first before absorbing others. Hundred hundred thoughts, and how your world is just based on the reflection of your thought. Respect other perception. Learn with action. Redefining life: build and iterate, taking action, get feedback to yourself, revise. 

In short, It brings most of the understanding of life.

In terms of respecting other perception, respecting other rights. Or just aware of someone's rights and let them believe what they believe. Understand that not everything needs to be argued and let that be in that way. For an instance, In the midst of busy days, where everyone has been given the best and drained of it. We are indeed under high pressure. Where doing the right thing can be wrong, and doing the wrong thing can be right. Funny how everything is biased and unclear. And blaming each other as if is the only solution. At that time the lesson I could really applied, which to put your feet to other shoes.

And I guess, do befriend with rejection. Someone really ask me Am I too nice - I could really see how much emotion weighs from her stare. The bottom of my heart says No, you are at least better than the others. It was when I learn a concept of Bare Minimum really can be applied real life. It was then that I believed the measure really existed, even though it wasn't clear. 

Deeper understanding of a line: Not everything in the world that weighs you down is yours to carry.

Yeah, that's all for now. Oh, I never knew I could really share a contented content. At least for me. At last, these whole thing happened from hundred moments I cherished within a year. 

See you later, I guess?

  unfinished business

This is the story of mine feeling numb for the whole day because of unexpected occasions, being physically present in a foreign circle but not really feeling myself there. On the other side, thoughts and half of my soul are all over the clouds. The clouds were gray yesterday, and looked mad, as they should. I was mad as well, minded my unfinished business at home and frequently spoke to myself: I should've stayed home, why I'm here instead?

To this one person. We might have crossed our eyes and left a big question mark, and that's odd, and that's been annoying me. Starting to think you might find this one person you met in seconds was captivating. Or I wished so. But I think you should, cause that's a hundred percent fact. Or I wished so. And the fact that I felt slightly disappointed about your absence yesterday, that's another funny story of mine.

As the thunder crashed down the field, my thoughts scrambled out into a bunch of pieces. Four days of being in a rush made me crave a slow morning, quietly enjoying my toast and cup of jasmine tea, oh dear! Ugh, I should've stayed at home, feeling the loneliness I deserved. Not being here—alone—lost in the crowd. And I caught myself feeling a very strange thing, which shivers me to the bone, what if the person being here too, you might not feel alone like me but don't you feel curious what is feel like have our eyes meet again?

Oh no, SOS situation. This is way too much. What was lingering in my thoughts the whole day is the same question I wanted to throw: What has been lingering in your thought these days, sir? Were you feel that was sort of an unfinished business too? Perhaps we could really sit down and have a little talk, started where we might have our line meet, or you could tell your job preferences and how you perceive this whole world, through your lens.

And it was extravagantly raining. My toes stepped into a puddle and I was thinking I may or may not have a little trouble here. Before everything gets deeper into the puddle, which might be caused a lot more trouble, maybe we could really either forget the unfinished business or finished them instead.

By a talk maybe? And the scenario should be on an unexpected occasion and time, like yesterday, but not conducted the whole cast of yesterday's events. What and how are the new problems here. But luckily most of the scenarios only stayed inside my head and never really appear in the reality.

Well, let's just forget them, right?

And if by any chance our eyes cross again. Let's just don't.

6

calls from the pink hamster

Whoop, hellow fellow.

It’s been a year and a half since I wrote my last cliche thing.

I don’t have anything cool to tell, since everything seems placed between one point to another—nothing sharp & special. Same goes for this year, when I started the half year with a bunch of failures and wasted stuff, and the next half is the same but quite better. Nonetheless, I feel grateful for everything that I have for this year but I have to admit that sometimes quarter life crisis still there haunts you and it feels like everything is wrong and at some point you doubting your tomorrow because you feel dumb and numb at the same time. 

My mind is mostly at ease but yeah sometimes the demons inside are grumpy and try to pop up my faults from the oldest days, even from my previous life. Or even my fault from the other universe.

So I will tell you a message in a random envelope that popped up in my mind this morning. Just after finishing my nyam-nyam and thinking about those barbies movies. The subject is “Calls from the Pink Hamster” and on the date written in 1814, boring as usual.

“I feel like I always left my sentence without a dot—just like the concept interior of a new cafe in a block—unfinished. 

Sometimes it's hard to finish things that you have started, right?

A toxic job. Leftovers from baking. Hardcore motivational books. Sudden calls with acquaintances. Unrequited love. The friend zone trap in your teenage days. 

Even your delightful cakes. Oh for this case maybe you hope that the cake would be endless.

You love that so much that you will be sad if it runs out. In my case, I have some favorite songs that I like so much that made me hear the song the least out of others. 

Why?

Because I don't want to overplay the song and it would probably make me bored. To me, the song is just thaaat beautiful so it gives me a hint of sadness if it's near the finish.

The same analogy to describe you;

It has always felt weird to start a thing—a period of time knowing a person without knowing when there will be the door you must quit. Because everything begins with start ends with finish, right?

And sometimes we're not quite good at opening and worst at ending.

“Helicopter View” I knew from psychology class; for seeing things in a big picture, outside of the frame. And after a couple of skipped years without asking you to tell me some stories made me finally agree that you are a good good human. And, still questioning my feelings towards that period of time talking to you.

What I remember from that blurry memory is one word—laugh.

Weird taste of jokes but a good taste of music.

It was just fine....

...and by fine, I mean nice and memorable. 

and for that I would give you a little message here:

Thank you. And maybe how are you?”

That’s the end of the letter. I told you it would be boring. 

Long before Spiderman, we humans were questioning the existence of a parallel universe or anything you could name it. And along with that, a bunch of 'what if' followed the concept. Mine is in huge numbers. Just like my dream to be a singer but sadly (and thankfully) born with an awful voice in this world, perhaps I could be a superstar in another world.

And if the multiverse really exists, what’s your coolest ‘what if’? 

Perhaps what you hope but fail from this world could happen in another universe.

Happy new year, I guess?

5

thriving

I should write, told me to myself each day I feel inspired. But then again, there’s no word appear in my pc screen. I’m that stuck. The words and ideas are scrambling out everywhere inside my head, and I hate that I couldn’t make them agreed to become paragraphs. Welp, I’m on the edge of nineteen and thinking all the things that could perpetuate my last day being an adolescence. So I’m ended up here.

Out of all the fun things life could give us human I still can not choose stuff that I could tell if people ask me to recap these nineteen years long. Nothing, my dear. We experience emptiness and nothingness and then get left behind with emotional stuff which is torturing ourselves.so.much. And I spent most days of my life by sitting on my couch wondering lots of things, which are 1)  Life gave me thought to think about—and not experiencing the atmosphere of music festival instead. No wonder why I’m so curious how the air felt like, isn’t it tasted as i felt here inside my house? Anyone care to give me an understanding?

By that I hope you could make some conclusion that I haven’t been really out at 10 PM and afterward. The strict curfew I lived with since I decided to be born, got me very very very not comfortable if by any chance I’m not at home yet at night. And to be a literal frank, I’ve passed years to finally accepting the rules that restrained me for a long time. I had passed time with the sadness of why I can’t be like the other kids. This anxiety is not really cool until I, eventually, decided to acknowledge myself completely.

Due to my personal goals to give birth a book by twenty, I’m nowhere near finish them.  So dear inspiration, impregnate me. I’m patient enough to postpone the delivery day so, yeah, do it. And then arts, in my experience my arts born from heartbreaks or at least an emptiness. But lately there’s no such a thing messing with me, which is I didn’t feel anything at all, and it inhibits me to make any art. Nonetheless, I didn’t know if I’m competence enough to give birth whether its art or book, but just let this music-festival-virgin  to be happy and eventually be able to achieves her goals.

Oh I love life. This noun also 2)  Gave me feeling to be felt. Why the hell I should feel in love with another human and why the hell I should spend my lot of my precious time to felt the sadness of the young heartbreaks. Why the hell I should have some emotional moments that made my mind and heart collided it’s each self every time I feel so emotional about life, even though life is the one that gave me those turmoil. I once read a statement: Relationship is easy until there's an emotional turmoil. Why the hell I’m not confident enough to believe that I’m fine, I’m good at relationship with people instead of overthinking the nonsense thoughts and feelings. And Why the hell there are no other people enlighten me with some words like Hey dude, they both are not facts.

I have to admit that without both of it, life tastes less funny. The entire riots going on in my head and heart, shaped me while I’m growing up. Adulting, oh adulting, here we come.  I wonder if I will see myself ten years from now as a kid trapped inside an adult body, which is very weird, so sometimes adulting scares me enough. I’m scared that I will be stuck in this endless spiral and never get a chance to explore more. I’m scared that I couldn’t be expressing myself. And I’m scared to death that I couldn’t be determined.

Calm down, they’re not facts.

Instead, the fact is that within three days. My dad passed away exactly six years ago. I haven’t been talked about him in public for a long time, because to be honest, it does not feel really good to invite the sadness to be around. And within six years, there are so many things I have encountered without his presence, which I always think, It will be so much easier with him. It definitely always be. The good times will be better with him. The jokes will be funnier with him. Flashback to the day I wore cute tank-top and strolling around near my house when I was nine, He came back with an utterly wonder look. Now I wonder what would he think about my recent appearance since we haven’t met for six years. And for that, I’m sorry if I disappoint you, I love you. I miss you.

By the time I write this, I play the Wishful Thinking by Earl Klugh, as you used to play it every Sunday morning.

I hope this nonsense talks of mine could perpetuate something that camera couldn’t. All memories that remain. All thoughts that maturate. All feelings that bloom. Change is inevitable, but I, choose to thrive.

Cheers for the good life ahead.

4

 sincere 

-

It's nothing more than a campaign to love yourself and be happy with your existence. For me, the first thing to do is being sincere to ourselves. It's the next level of acknowledging yourself. It's all about gathering your every part, souls, segmentations, and turn that into positive energy. And then, what else I believe is when you are genuinely and sincerely happy, everything is good, are literally, comes along.

3

life is a long, screwed journey to make your own definition of both cruel and pleased situations.
| writing prompt #1

2

Me in Crucial Times: a Metaphor Of The Moon Phases.

I once read a sentence, “..My life is pretty about the here and now.” And I thought it sums up my current situation as a living thing, talking about the idea of the present. Because I’m living here, in the present.

On a particular time, I see life is just a blurry and chaotic trajectory that I needed to ride in. My head a bit messed, I’m somehow exploding inside of it. On my crucial times, I love love love love being alone—not alone like lost in the crowd, but alone. Just being serene in such severe times.  A perfect set of that me-time concept, don’t forget the hot tea and nice meals. Ok, start to contemplate. At first I hope for inspiration to come but sadly, the breakdown feeling hits instead. The period of: I'm genuinely wrong for some points. I’m inside of the humongous maze, and shit, my head resonances the same voice that tells me to run.

Tell me where. I don’t know. The clue is not enclosed yet. What I know it just far. Out of the league, and what league. You are in the center of a red line. No, I ain't longer have a red fucking line, what is line either. These chaotic things spread everywhere. I vaguely see the lines, or I just.................. transmigrated to the edge. So obviously, I can’t see the line.

I remember of words I wrote back in 2017.

“ Tell me a story 

About a place in far.

a place, at one point that describes your far.”

Now tell me where. Where’s that point. What is far.

The common definition of far couldn’t size in my head anymore. I do not understand. Back then, I was sensing as a person, the definition might include some unrequited love story shits. It was a period of time where longing means reflecting, when aching means pouring, when loving means creating. As a person where’s not born as an artist, I called them art.

But in a present? 

Something changing, something is not the same. I’m losing myself over and over again, me in that point of longing is not me in this point of longing. The two longings here are facing different directions. I might be longing human back then, but I’m now longing myself. My true veins.

Whoops I'm being cliche to brought that identity crisis again. 

But we are indeed destined to go to some places—randomly—and long story short, it makes we are here now. ......And where am I.  I keep thinking things on my head, that very vague and not vivid, random and abstract—and it kinda makes me insane sometimes. I haven’t any conclusion yet, I’m still running in this trajectory. Now, how about being teleported to your final destination. I hate that I’m not very curious about my final destination. By the end of the day, we are merely a dead body with our names written on the grave. We only discover a character in that process towards the final. What character am I someday? Will I be someone I imagine as me later? 

The idea of me is represented by me on the surface. That leads me to wonder about the other crazy statement: There might be another soul underneath my soul. It just hiding somewhere, dancing in my mind. It was just a glimpse mind before I started to truly contemplate about this. I know I'm crazy but I hate to think that this probably a big deal. The soul that doesn’t want to comes up to the surface, the ‘me’ I wish to be,  the ‘me’ that probably is in another dimension, they are also me, right? I’m today living me today, with some responsibilities that accompanying annoying me. If I left those, I’m still me, right? Do I become something else? Do I transform into another human? 

Each of eight phases of the moon is still called moon by the way. The Crescent, the first quarter, the full moon, they're just a moon for me before I googling for each name. Moon Phases are a cool metaphor to understanding the crazy idea about 'soul' from me. Until now, let's pretend that Moon Phases is the ideal model for understanding every presence of human souls.

In a nutshell, What I really want to say is, there’s a separation between the definition of you in what the actual you and you in what you are supposed to be—and in this case will include some parameter. And yes, This crazy doctrine hopes you to believe that we structured by lots of layers.  Think about it.

The next question is discovering how many layers that compose me.

I assume, If you run in a trajectory where it finished at your death day, you running in the flat-monotonous trajectory. If you running and don’t give a damn about the moon that keeps following you and keeps changing its shapes, you running in the rounded cycle. It means you are not thinking about the needs for change. You’re not coming back at the precise shape you were. Consciously or not, you’re transforming into other you.

So let’s run far, far in terms vertically, not horizontally.

Tell me where?

To the deepest layer of you. Tell them to come.

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I thought it will be a cool deal.

1

To Find Me: An Expedition

Ketika jantung manusia hilang—bukan berhenti berdetak—hanya saja hilang, dalam pengertian paling konyol, berdetak namun kehilangan jantung. Manusia, binatang berakal dan rasional itu, berbondong-bondong berupaya mencarinya, mengembalikan dirinya ke titik semula. Memanusiakan (sisi) manusianya.  Hidup sekali lagi seperti reinkarnasi. Merasakan rasanya bernafas bebas, bahkan jika tanpa oksigen.

Ada harapan jauh dilubuk hati, untuk suatu hari bebas dari segala bentuk eksploitasi, bahkan dari diri sendiri. Mungkin hari ini saya masih mengeksploitasi diri sendiri, dari segala nilai yang eksistensinya hanya bersifat temporer. Bicara mengenai nilai, begini, sesungguhnya saya benci angka-angka tertentu yang gunanya untuk mengukur, dan mengukur disini berkaitan dengan nilai. Kemudian, Nilai mengacu pada kadar hidup seseorang, yang pada akhirnya melahirkan pretensi tertentu. Pretensi ini adalah ‘jubah’ yang dapat kita tentukan. Namun teman-teman, sayangnya, telah kita sadari bahwa mungkin hari ini, bahkan soal pretensi dimuka publik  atau jubah yang kita kenakan, tak lagi hanya dapat kita tentukan oleh diri sendiri. Semua hal yang mampu mengukur kita, juga mampu menentukan jenis jubah apa yang akan kita kenakan.

when did life become a blur?

Di awal umur 20, saya mengalami situasi-situasi ngambang. Umur 17-18 saya clueless,  dan hari ini di paruh 19 tahun, “I need subtitles for this life i am living” menjadi definisi paling sempurna untuk menjelaskan kegilaan saya sekarang. Saya bisa menangis terus bahagia lagi, saya bisa bahagia terus menangis lagi. Setiap hari ada saja pertanyaan mengenai ‘Hidup’ dan jawaban yang saya anggap tidak masuk nalar untuk dilahap habis demi memahaminya.

Bagaimana dengan jantung yang hilang? Tentunya masih. Saya masih kehilangan identitas saya, dan sedang ditengah ekspedisi menemukannya. Untuk (semoga) dapat kembali merasakan esensi hidup dengan jantung (amin). Di atas identitas sendiri, nama dan jati diri sendiri.

Yang membuat saya mulai menulis yakni kegamangan terhadap pertanyaan tentang hidup, rasanya sukar sekali tinggal di dunia. Rasanya ada saja kendala. Dan sebelum mengantarkan saya untuk berani menulisnya, saya sudah paham benar bagaimana rasanya menolak fakta mengenai mungkin lo hanya kurang bersyukur, kurang berempati, kurang bersedekah, dan mungkin terlalu sering melihat ke atas, beserta teman-temannya. Namun, nyatanya saya selalu bermuara di tengah ruang kamar saya dalam keadaan mata basah dan bertanya-tanya.

Beberapakali saya bertanya kepada teman-teman, “Hidup lo bahagia gak?” dan dengan terkejut, tidak sedikit yang bilang tidak. Dan saya mulai memiliki jawaban atas pertanyaan saya sendiri, dengan cara mendengar orang-orang. Memahami medan seperti apa yang mereka lalui. Bagaimana cara mereka bertahan dan melaluinya. Padahal, sebelumnya saya sudah tidak asing dengan frase mengenai hidup seseorang yang berbeda-beda, masalah yang dihadapi pun berbeda-beda, dan cara menyikapinya tentu berbeda-beda pula. Tapi yang tak saya temukan disana, adalah pemahaman dari diri saya sendiri. Rupanya, hidup tidak melulu tentang nasehat. Rupanya, belajar sendiri jauh melebihi dari hanya mendengar nasehat orang lain. Karena, ingat, medan kita berbeda-beda.

What we need to highlight here is terkadang, we only see some parts of us that we lack about. Sayangnya segala perasaan—hal-hal yang berbau emosional—tak dapat di atur dengan mudah. Saya tak bisa menyuruh hati bahagia ketika sedang tidak, dan begitu sebaliknya. Semua lahir murni karena kondisi yang sedang kita alami. Perasaan murung mengantarkan kita kemari. Ke titik terendah yang kami miliki, bermuram, berharap dunia tiba-tiba menjadi sesuai harapan kita. Hal yang saya kerap lupakan bahwa, saya ditaruh di dunia atas perintah-Nya, untuk menjalani trajektori yang sudah diberikan. Soal suka atau tidak, mau atau tidak, baik atau buruk, itu sudah jauh letaknya dari tangan manusia. Toh katanya begini, Tuhan telah memberikan hidup yang paling baik untuk hamba-Nya. Dan mengenai kesukaran, Tuhan pun tak memberikan tingkat yang tak mampu hamba-Nya lewati. Jadi, bagaimana cara terbaik untuk tidak terenyuh kepada bagian-bagian dari diri kita yang kita kira kurang—padahal memang sudah dari sananya diberi jenis trajektori seperti ini?

Mungkin rasanya sulit untuk tidak melakukan perbandingan. Untuk tidak memperhatikan lubang-lubang dari diri kita. Untuk menimbulkan persepsi atas hidup orang lain yang terlihat menyenangkan. Kadang kita lupa rasanya bahagia, sampai begitu ingin untuk menjadi bahagia. Ingin menjadi seragam seperti orang lain: memiliki barang yang bernilai, tempat tinggal yang baik, kekasih yang penyayang, orang tua yang kaya raya. Ingin ini ingin itu.

Dan, apa juga sebenarnya motif untuk menjadi seragam ditengah kehidupan sosial? living here where we buy something only by clicks and get it later on, we hella need an approval. Untuk dinilai pantas berada ditengah mereka. Untuk menjadi bagian dari mereka. Untuk dilihat dan divalidasi. Kemudian lagi-lagi, inilah bagaimana ‘mereka’ memutar otak kita agar mencari cara untuk mengenakan sejenis pretensi yang ada, sehingga layak berselancar dilautan..... dimana sebagian besar orang-orang seperti kita dengan insecurity yang juga besar—mengapung dengan jubah-jubah mereka.

Menjelaskan ini semua terasa seperti menjilat ludah sendiri.  As I early said, saya benci dengan adanya angka-angka tak kasat mata yang berguna untuk mengukur kadar hidup seseorang. Dan mengenai pretensi demi validasi, saya harus bilang hal ini ikut melahap saya, sehingga saya di hari ini, memandang hidup bagai bayangan kabur. Saya hendak namai ini sebagai tragedi psikologi, tapi apa daya, saya hanya seorang awam. Namun, perlu digarisbawahi, semua hal yang mengguncang keseimbangan otak saya ini, yang menjadikan pandangan hidup kabur, mengantar saya kepada suatu fakta: bahwa saya sedang dalam ekspedisi.

Untuk menemukan jantung saya, sehingga (semoga) nantinya saya tak lagi menggunakan jubah atau pretensi, hanya semata-mata ingin divalidasi. (Amin)