Hingar bingar Oktober

 

Lucu bagaimana dunia bisa berubah sedemikian rupa dalam satu malam. Pernahkah kamu berpikir sesuatu hanya karena ingin memikirkannya? Bagaimana rasanya membayangkannya seolah itu nyata, namun kamu tidak pernah benar-benar mengharapkannya, hanya karena jika itu benar terjadi, mungkin kamu akan kelimpungan menghadapinya. Begitulah kiranya gambaran bulan Oktober saya kemarin. Saya seringkali berpikir, Mungkin saja besok saya akan sakit, karena saya rasa saya akan sakit. Lalu dalam satu malam, Tuhan amini pikiran angkuh itu. Tepat pagi harinya, saya terbangun dengan rasa sakit di perut saya. 

 

Boleh dibilang, berbulan-bulan saya mengapung di tengah lautan antah berantah, lumayan jauh dari Tuhan, tapi tak jarang bersikap seakan tau segalanya, mendahului kehendak Tuhan. Seperti sikap membayangkan akan hari esok ataupun masa depan, misalnya. Saya berlagak mahir menerka isi kepala Tuhan. Mungkin besok saya sakit, pikir saya angkuh. Atau dalam konteks lain, si angkuh itu meyakini, kau akan paham dengan sendirinya, tanpa perlu saya jelaskan lagi.

 

Yang kedua itu. Kebiasaan menerka isi hati manusia dan meyakininya secara terang-terangan, saya kapok benar melakukannya. 

 

Mengapa, tanyamu. 

Coba tanya sendiri pada dirimu.

Yang saya pikirkan dan yang terjadi, kerap berkebalikan.

 

Lalu kini masalah saya tak hanya berupa manusia lain, pun diri saya sendiri. Malam sebelum hari itu, saya menatap kosong ke langit kamar dan terheran-heran, seakan membaca sebuah nama disana. Mengapa dari sekian hari, harus dihari ini Ia muncul hanya untuk menambah kalut? Demi Tuhan, rasa sakit yang terasa tak sebanding dengan kalutnya hati dan kepala saya. Semua seperti melumat saya hidup-hidup. Keberadaan hari esok, seluruh ketiba-tibaan ini, serta nama yang entah mengapa muncul ditengah hingar bingar ini. Pergilah, saya membatin. Gapai mimpi paling tinggimu, lakukan apapun yang kamu mau sebagaimana nuranimu memintamu. Bukankah dunia adalah tempatmu bergembira? Toh, tak ada saya disana, sehingga saya tak perlu lagi menunggu kabarmu? Toh, tak ada saya disana, sehingga saya tak perlu percaya padamu seperti yang kau minta? Toh, tak ada saya disana…

 

Keesokannya, perasaan yang kadung kacau makin menjadi, tapi satu-satunya hal yang mampu saya pegang teguh adalah Tuhan. Mungkin terkadang soal Tuhan jadi nomor sekian. Dan mungkin memang saya tak begitu beriman.Tapi terserah, hari itu saya punya Tuhan, Tuhan yang tidak tidur, maka saya serahkan hidup dan mati saya kepada-Nya. 

 

Ada kalanya dalam hidup, kamu dapat menafsirkan peristiwa buruk dengan sesuatu yang sangat disyukuri. Penyakit dan operasi dadakan ini, contohnya. Di ruangan itu, tepat sebelum tindakan dimulai, sang dokter memimpin doa kelancaran dan kemudahan.  Menyampingkan apa yang ada di dunia ini, beserta perasaan kalut saya, detik itu saya menangis tersedu mendengar nama saya disebut dalam doanya. Tuhan, sebegitunya orang ingin saya lekas sehat, padahal kami tidak pernah ada relasi apa-apa sebelumnya, selain pertemuan kami kemarin di ruang pemeriksaan.

 

Saya ingat selanjutnya giliran saya yang bilang kepada Tuhan:  Ya Allah, hamba serahkan apa yang jadi milik-Mu. Tubuh ini, hidup ini, perasaan ini, seluruh isi dunia yang berkaitan dengan ku, semua ku kembalikan lagi kepada-Mu. Jikalau takdirku memang untuk melewati ini, aku menerimanya, tapi izinkan dan berikan hamba kekuatan, ketabahan, dan kelancaran dalam melewatinya. 

 

Dari sekian lelucon dan omong kosong yang biasa kamu utarakan, sekiranya sekali kamu mengucapkan hal masuk akal. Berdoa yang utuh, katamu waktu itu. Maka saya mengikutinya. Saya ucapkan semua yang saya inginkan, tentang kesembuhan, kedamaian batin, dan kehidupan saya kedepan. Dan agar keraguan hati, hingar bingar, serta perasaan saya yang tak karuan supaya lebur dan terbebas, sehingga tak menjadi soal dalam hidup saya kedepan. Seharusnya, begitu pula denganmu—yang juga punya segudang keraguan dan ketakutan yang tak terkendali, alih-alih menurutinya, lepaslah perlahan. Mimpimu memang terkadang tak masuk akal, namun sejujurnya selalu terdengar menyenangkan. Saya harap dan doakan kebaikan selalu menyertaimu. Dan yang kamu sungguh mau, saya harap Tuhan jadikan itu nyata kedepannya.

 

Hingga berakhirnya bulan Oktober, saya menafsirkannya sebagai bentuk ujian yang mungkin saat ini saya butuhkan. Pun terkadang, lebih dalam memahami kehidupan membuat kepala kliyengan, namun dengan begitu saya menyadari bahwa semua tak melulu berputar di dunia ini, namun juga kepada kehidupan setelahnya. 

 

Dan pesan saya untuknya, untuk Oktober, Terimakasih sudah menyempati datang. Kamu memang datang dengan gembira, menertawai saya yang sedang kesakitan. Tapi entah mengapa, saya bersyukur karenanya.

 

 First Encounter

 

On a bleak night, September 9th, I finally had my first listening experience of the controversial eight minutes of Let It Happen, by Tame Impala. Even though I really liked the song, I never managed to listen to it in its entirety and instead skipped the middle part. The part that I really like from this song is the instrumental break and it's also the part that I refuse to listen to because the repetition is boring as shit. But that night, everything became different after I listened to it until the end. Turns out I had a better experience hearing it in the full version. And that's not what I want to tell you. What I want to tell you is the story behind it—why I managed to finish this song the first time.

 

There are so many things in life that are out of our control, from outside and sometimes within ourselves—yes, sometimes. There are so many things that are resisted from happening in the right order, as they should. There are external forces but there are also internal riots. External forces, are things that you cannot control by yourself, happen according to the laws of nature. And by internal riots, here I am talking about the mind and the heart, which is most likely the one who takes so much control over your actions, maturely or even impulsively. And on that day, those two things seemed to collide.

 

I never thought that my destiny would be to meet these humans, without even having a disagreement, it was clear that we were not a match for each other. Case number one, If you talk about A, I talk about B. That’s completely okay, actually. Not to mention the past that accompanies you, which can have a big impact on other people's futures. Not only that, from the case number two, these people are meant to be in love and not even try to hide their feelings, even in the professional circumtances. That’s just only problem from external roles. From my side, there was also another human being—whose the actions left a big question mark in my head. It always giving me: are you serious or are you serious. On the contrary, I wish I could refuse not to think about it. But I impulsively keep recalling and recalling and recalling, to find out the truth from your actions.

 

And that night, I myself refused not to shed tears, while the song was drowning in my head. All of the events seemed to happen the way it should be, torturing the deepest part of my little heart, so that's how every part collided at the first encounter.

 

“When it happens, when it happens (I won’t be holding on) So let it happen, let it happen…”

As time goes by, we never intended to meet on the same path, you say A and I say B, you think A and I think the opposite, you want A and vice versa, I do the opposite. Have you ever thought that someone could actually cross your mind without crossing boundaries? Oh, dear. All we do is cross the line, peel the onion, find something to relate to ourselves. Have you ever felt related to myself, then? Not really, right?

 

So why did all your gestures seem to have something relating, try to provide things we could really talk about, say things that I might approve?

 

Oh, dear, sometimes we fail in the first encounter, just like in the movies. And for our case, it always will. To you, stay far, stay out of touch. I myself always appreciate the concept of diversity, even though we are destined to be on the same path, with the same brain, and the same goals. It doesn't matter, cause we all have been maintaining relationships that contain disagreements and contradiction, right?  

 

Handling a larger number of heads, already increases the risk of my own internal riots. And among them all, there’s your existence—which so funny, dear, it trouble up my days. I myself refuse the forces of thinking of it—as an external role. Till I found something that might be my closure, and so by that I'm no longer paying so much attention and think about it, and let it happen the way it should be. 

 

If I come up to your mind, and you're having a hard time resisting to recalling it, that's okay, dear. I always do the same thing.

redefining life

Hi!

Been a year... to not mumbling out my crazy head. See how much I've grown? There really isn't anything significant because it's an unclear measurement & an invalid guideline. Nothing really different from last year, still hundreds of music to bore, hundreds of books to not finish, hundreds questions & procrastinations. Hundreds hectic days & errors, yet also hundreds revisions. Do by that I became much better? Not really. Even worse, I think?

Well, aren't we all live inside of hundred of procrastinations? They literally said something like"The cost of procrastination is the life you could've live"  that struck, got me thinking, but never got me to take any action in return. Also I've heard something like Change is scary but so is staying the same, got me smirk a little. Funny where I might not get it right where parts need to change and where parts need to stay the same. 

But I still have something pursued, achieved, something whose change can be seen. Starting something new blindly has never been easy for me, I guess it grew inside of me. Within a year, without knowing the right way, what goals you want to achieve, what kind of treatments need to be done. Blatant stupidity, swallowed shame, getting comfortable with the uncomfortable. Deeper understanding of boundaries. Deeper understanding of emotion can be really contagious, take care yours first before absorbing others. Hundred hundred thoughts, and how your world is just based on the reflection of your thought. Respect other perception. Learn with action. Redefining life: build and iterate, taking action, get feedback to yourself, revise. 

In short, It brings most of the understanding of life.

In terms of respecting other perception, respecting other rights. Or just aware of someone's rights and let them believe what they believe. Understand that not everything needs to be argued and let that be in that way. For an instance, In the midst of busy days, where everyone has been given the best and drained of it. We are indeed under high pressure. Where doing the right thing can be wrong, and doing the wrong thing can be right. Funny how everything is biased and unclear. And blaming each other as if is the only solution. At that time the lesson I could really applied, which to put your feet to other shoes.

And I guess, do befriend with rejection. Someone really ask me Am I too nice - I could really see how much emotion weighs from her stare. The bottom of my heart says No, you are at least better than the others. It was when I learn a concept of Bare Minimum really can be applied real life. It was then that I believed the measure really existed, even though it wasn't clear. 

Deeper understanding of a line: Not everything in the world that weighs you down is yours to carry.

Yeah, that's all for now. Oh, I never knew I could really share a contented content. At least for me. At last, these whole thing happened from hundred moments I cherished within a year. 

See you later, I guess?